Always tell the truth, even if you have to make it up.

To Tell The Truth

How honest would you be if I asked you, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” Would you be completely honest? Offer a “white lie”? Take the conversation off onto a tangent? (“Oh look! A red rhinoceros.” Or something else as preposterous or imposserous…)

People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the
brutality than out of the honesty.  (Richard J. Needham)

I’ve been reading a captivating book titled “Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children”. (Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, 2009, New York:12) Two award winning journalists challenge the soundness of our “parental instincts”, and what we know to be “true” about children. They bring voluminous scientific research into a fascinating non-scientific read for those of us who parent and/or teach children.

This time around, I thought that I’d share with you their summary of research findings and thoughtful analysis on why kids lie (Chapter 4). Here’s the truth about lies…

In surveys of parents over the last 20 years, “honesty” has been consistently rated as the character trait they most want their children to possess. No other personal characteristic even comes close to truthfulness. Yet, while 95+% of kids understand that message, reporting on their surveys that honesty is essential in relationships, and lying is morally wrong, 96% lie to their parents!

Truth is the most valuable thing we have,
so I try to conserve it.  (Mark Twain)

Like all valuable commodities, truth is often
counterfeited.  (James Cardinal Gibbons)

Mind-Readers

OK… Then we’ll teach our progeny to be more honest when we catch them in a lie. Thank goodness, kids aren’t practiced liars yet, and their untruths are easy to spot, right?

False. While nearly all adults think that they are good at detecting lies told by children, the truth be told, they are especially bad at detecting falsehoods uttered by young ones. In research during which some kids were directed to tell the truth, and others told to spout practiced lies, the chances of an adult guessing right was no better than chance. They would have done as well at identifying the liars if they never heard the stories at all. Surprisingly and sadly, Police and Immigration Officers who have been trained to interview children, perform at a level even worse than flipping a coin.

Take heart, though… Parents did slightly better than non-parents at guessing whether a story was truthful. If you’re a teacher, you’ll guess right 60% of the time! (And wrong 40% of the time). That level of inaccuracy no doubt results in a lot of punishment, hurt feelings and resentment that shouldn’t be present in our classrooms.

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure
there is one less rascal in the world.  (Thomas Carlyle)

Adults tend to believe that girls are more truthful than boys. Wrong again. Research shows boys are no more likely bend the truth.

Adults tend to believe that younger children are more likely to lie than older kids. Wrong again. In an experiment that observed whether 3 year old children peeked at an object when asked not to do so, most of those who peeked told the truth when asked if they looked at it. When the experiment was conducted with 4 year olds, 80% of those who peeked said that they did not. It seems that almost all kids experiment with lying by age 4. Those with older siblings learn to do it sooner than those who are the eldest or only child.

Truth is mighty and will prevail.
There is nothing the matter with this,
except that it ain't so. (Mark Twain)

I realize that you and I are more skilled at detection (due to our reading of Agatha Christy murder mysteries and playing of the “Clue” board game), but it seems that all those other adults out there are clueless when it comes to knowing if their child is telling the truth or not. Let’s look at how often kids “pull the wool” over their parents’ eyes.

In studies in which children were observed in their homes, 4 year olds lied about once every two hours. Six year olds lied about once per hour. 96% of all kids told frequent lies in their homes. (Of course, these findings do not apply to my two children who are at this age right now. Ha!)

No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar.
(Abraham Lincoln)

Born Bad?

How could this happen? Weren’t Sigmund Freud and the Bible/Old Testament (original sin) correct in saying that we are born evil and need to be civilized into goodness? But if we’re supposed to be civilizing them into prosocial behavior, why is it that they lie more often as they get older? Exactly how do kids get to be such persistent and capable fibbers?

The answer from research is clear: We teach them to do it! While we hold up honesty to be one of the important pillars of good character, it seems that our attempts to promote honesty actually create the dishonesty that we complain about!

When it comes to lying, perhaps Jean Jacques Rousseau was right when he stated that children are born pure and innocent, and become contaminated by us imperfect others who surround them.

"Everything is good as it comes from the hands of the Maker of the world,
but degenerates once it gets into the hands of man". (Rousseau, Cahn 163)

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree

In-home observers found that when young children lie, less than one percent of parents use the situation to teach a lesson about lying. More than 99% gave punishment for the transgression, but did not address the lie. In the child’s mind, s/he realizes that there was no extra penalty for lying. Therefore, why not use it in the strategy in the future when one is better at crafting plausible falsehoods?

Then there are the times when they see us lie, like when we tell the workplace that we are sick that day …just before we head out the door to engage in some enjoyable activity, tell the checkout clerk that we already gave money to that good cause, or regale a friend with a story of how we responded so boldly in a situation… an event witnessed by the child who now hears a version different than remembered. We promote “white lies” when we boast about our abilities or say less-than-direct-and-truthful statements meant to impress others or avoid embarrassment and awkwardness in interactions. Adults who kept track of their own lies reported fibbing in 1/5 of their social encounters.

If you were actually asked the question in the first sentence of this writing, would you have been totally honest if the truth was “It doesn’t matter what you wear; You’ve got a big butt.”? If lying is viewed by the child as an effective strategy for handling difficult social interactions, lying is reinforced. Indeed, parents often feel proud at their child’s ability to “be polite” (truth be told, they’re lying). This promotion of insincerity lays the psychological groundwork for telling other kinds of lies.

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies
soon grow color-blind.  (Austin O'Malley)

We don’t fret though, because we will teach them the difference, right? Most adults, as they struggle to promote honesty, view it as a more advanced ability than lying. Guess what? It’s just the opposite. In order to tell a lie, the child must recognize the truth, cognitively conceive of a believable alternative to reality, and be able to convince another of this other possibility. Yes, …increased lying seems to be related to increased intelligence as measured on IQ tests. Prevaricating requires social and cognitive skills beyond those demanded by honesty.

Bright kids learn that being disingenuous avoids conflict. Their earlier aversion to lying becomes numbed. It becomes easier to lie to adults.

Who lies for you will lie against you.  (Bosnian Proverb)

FBA (Fibbing Behavior Analysis)

OK… lying is advanced and develops with age, but what is its function? What’s driving it? What is its purpose? Think back to when you told we a child and told a mistruth. Why did you do so?

A few reasons predominate:

1. Avoiding punishment. Punishment can be physical or psychological. It might be a clever ploy to prevent spanking, adult disapproval, self-disappointment, a trip to the principal’s office. Why do kids lie? Because we punish them when they tell the truth.
2. Causing harm to someone to whom they do not feel connected, even if just for a few minutes. If they can convince the authority figure that another, disliked person was the transgressor, they achieve a sense of accomplishment, power, revenge, etc.
3. Protecting another person so as not to be a “tattletale” or “tattler”.
4. Seeking of attention and/or prestige in the eyes of others.

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know,
afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be
found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie,
the thing that we fear grows stronger.
(Tad Williams)

Some Important Things to Keep in Mind

1. Lying is normal behavior. (However, WHAT event occurred, must be addressed if a situation is serious in nature.)

2. When children first start to lie, it challenges their sense of who they are, psychologically speaking. They experience great stress. They are no longer the “good child”.

3. An increase in lying is an indication that something stressful has occurred in the youngster’s life. It is a coping mechanism to handle that stress. Investigate.

4. How we react to a youngster’s explanation of what happened affects the future presence of truth-lie telling.

For a video on the reasons why kids (ages 4 to 7) lie, go to: http://www.schoolsworld.tv/node/3670

Don’t You Lie To Me!
Handling Situations in Which the Child May Have Lied

As teachers and parents, we frequently have to determine whether a child is lying, and if so, what to do about it. (And if the child has been honest, how to respond in a way that recognizes and supports that choice.) The following approaches were found to reduce lying:

1. Say “I’m going to ask you a question. But before I do that, do you promise to tell the truth?”

2. For young children who lie to please the parent/teacher, say “I will not be upset with you if you did wrong. If you tell the truth, I will be really happy.” (This approach offers immunity from punishment and allows them to please the adult. Withhold punishment, but feel free to teach or talk about making amends. See below.)

3. Use the story of George Washington and the Cherry Tree to promote honesty. This book was shown to work well because it teaches that honesty removes punishment and earns praise. This book worked well with kids who did not know that G.W. was the first U.S. President…even kids from countries other than the U.S. (Despite what the vast majority of adults guessed, reading and discussing “The boy who cried wolf.” had no effect on the frequency of lying.)

4. Along with teaching that lying is wrong, promote the worthiness and uttering of honesty. (Many folks forget the second part)

5. Avoid entrapping kids. When it’s obvious that a youngster has committed an offence (You witnessed it; The child was the only child in the house when the mess was made.), don’t say “Did you do this?” The tone in your voice will convey irritation, and to please you (and sooth the social situation), s/he will most likely lie. Don’t promote the behavior you wish to stop. Don’t test honesty unnecessarily.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  (Mark Twain)

I’ll add a few more ideas:

1. Instead of punishing a student, remember that we are either their first or paid teachers. TEACH! Help them understand the difference between different types of lies. Give examples and open them up for discussion, focusing on moral/ethical issues. Talk about the pressures felt when needing to explain oneself. Teach them how to “size up” (analysis) the situation. (Check out the link at www.Behavioradvisor.com/ProblemSolving.html)

1. Instead of punishment for lying, focus on making amends. What needs to be done to make things “OK”? (apology, clean up, purchase a replacement item, etc.)

1. Upon hearing a “fishy story”, give the student 15 seconds to begin telling the happenings differently. No penalty is administered if the story changes. In fact, positively recognize the choice to tell a valid story.

1. Ask the student to give you three different stories about the event. One of them should be true. Have them tell you whether you guessed the correct one. (AVOID PUNISHMENT FOR ADMITTING THE TRUTH!)

1. Develop a history of positive interactions between you and the student. Create positive experiences that build interpersonal bonds of trust. Students are more likely to confide truthfully in an adult they know, respect, and trust.

He told the truth about lying.

Endnote

What should we do when kids report on the actions of others? Why did they “squeal”? Are they lying or telling the truth? What separates a report that is valued by you from one that seems trivial? You’ll have to wait until the next blog entry when we look more in-depth look at tattling.

And that’s the truth… Goodbye until next time.

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. (Slovenian Proverb)

Discussion Questions

1. If a man says 'I always lie.' is he lying or is he telling the truth?

2. I once thought that I was wrong. But I was wrong. Is this a lie?

If you wish to order a copy of the book, click on the image.

Author: Tom McIntyre at www.BehaviorAdvisor.com

DoctorMac@BehaviorAdvisor.com