Does your child have a habit of saying things that are embarrassing, hurtful, or otherwise inappropriate?  Is it no longer “cute” to you or others?  How can we teach our young ones better ways to express their feelings and views?  How can we help them to self-manage their behavior and say things in socially appropriate ways?  How can we get them to do so, not because they fear punishment, but rather, because they really believe that the new ways are better?

A number of methods have been found to be effective in promoting self control of behavior in children.  There is one prerequisite however: They require self control on our part when we administer them during difficult times.
 

Translate Your Child’s Words Into Feelings
All human actions, verbal and non-verbal, carry a message.  Inappropriate words are often vain attempts to express how one feels.  In a supportive and caring manner, state the feelings that your child is experiencing.  Describe what your child was really trying to convey.  For example, an obnoxious statement like “Go away. I hate you.” might have really meant “I’m upset with your decision.”, “I don’t want to do that right now.”, or “I’m angry that you’re spending so much time with my baby brother.”
It is up to us to translate children’s words into what they were feeling at the time.  Saying “You are angry that you didn’t get to go to the store with your father.” helps the youngster to identify emotions.  By helping children to better understand the feelings that sparked the outburst, we can then help them to learn new ways to cope with those emotions when they emerge again.

 
Start with “I”
 Respectfully make your feelings known in a restrained manner that still gets your message across.  Keep the focus on you, while still addressing the situation.  Tell how the behavior affects you by using "I", "me", "my" or some other self-reference.  For example, instead of an accusatory message like “How can you be so mean?  You were very cruel to make fun of her clay figure!", try something like "It upsets me to see anyone being made the brunt of a hurtful joke. I expect my child to treat others with respect.”  or “I am disappointed in what I saw today.  Someone treated someone else very badly.  I need to see a change in the future.”
 

 Describe the Problem
  Mention the problem that needs to be addressed without assigning blame or mentioning the student's role in the unfortunate situation. We all make social mistakes. Give your child a chance to learn from them.  Non-emotionally and non-judgmentally lead him/her into displaying the proper actions.  For example, you might say “Words were said that hurt someone.” or “Two kids aren’t friends anymore because somebody said something that hurt the other one.”
 This strategy motivates youngsters to:
         -think about the limited information you provided
    -    devise a way to resolve the problem
        -exercise initiative to make amends

 If your child doesn’t seize the initiative to rectify the situation, prompt him or her to do so with a statement like “We need to figure out how to make things better.”
 

Provide Information About the World
 Help your child learn correct actions by providing knowledge about the world. Make your statements short, polite, and non-judgmental.  For example, instead of: "Fran, you were rude and out-of-line.  Why would you say such things?”, try something like “If someone feel insulted, they won’t want to be around the person who said those things. (Information on the world) Would you like to know how to let others know that you’re upset in a way that they’ll still like you?”  Then play act the better choice so that your child has practice in reacting appropriately in those situations.
 

Send a Note
 Notes are a great way to prevent misbehavior, nip it in the bud, or address it after an incident.  This permanent and novel (at least between parents and their children) form of communication often makes a dramatic impact.

    Pre-emptive/Preventive Notes (Present these to the child before an activity or event)
    "Svetlana, remember to only say nice words to your teammates."
    "Remember to sit on the bus with someone who won’t get you in trouble."
 

    After-The-Fact Notes (These address a behavior after it has occurred)
    "Chandra, please see me at your convenience, but before going outside.  I want us to discuss what happened earlier with Aunt Fanny."
    "Calvin, I let some rude remarks pass today.  Just don't let it happen again tomorrow.  I know you’ll treat our new neighbors in a friendly way."
 

    Humorous Reminders (To address issues that need resolution now...or in a couple of minutes)
     Dear Carmen: I want to be heard.
    Signed, Your polite words.

    Dear Fran: Please use me before you talk to your parents.
    Signed, Your brain.
 
 
 Model the Behavior You Want To See (hear)
  You are your child’s first and most important teacher.  Kids emulate what their parents do.  If you want a polite, self-managed child, you must be a well mannered and self-regulated person.  Quoting the wisdom of one mid-western farmer: “You can’t pick corn if you planted taters.”  Behaviorally speaking, you reap what you sow.  Be sure that you plant the right seeds.
 

 Other Tips
  It’s important to avoid the word “You” when talking to your child in a disciplinary situation.  That word accuses and demeans.  We don’t want to simply find fault and blame.  That approach does nothing to solve the problem.  We want to change the behavior by appealing to their love for you.  In place of “you”, speak about him or her in the third person or as a member of your family.  For example, “I expect all members of this family to treat all others with respect.” is much preferred over “You did it it again, how many times do I have to ...”.
  Not only does the former statement focus on what SHOULD be done, it avoids labeling your child as a bad person.  You don’t want him or her to adopt that label and live down to it.  Talk about what is desired and expected in the way of behavior.
  It is also important to avoid asking questions that begin with “Why”.  Why questions are wolves in sheep’s clothing.  They don’t really seek information.  They are saying in essence “I’ve caught you.  Now I’m going to allow you time to offer a feeble excuse before I continue to point out that you are wrong.”  Focus on creating a new way of behaving, rather than continuing to point out where someone has done wrong.
  Last, always follow any discussion about behavior with a statement of encouragement that shows your belief in your child’s ability to do better.  When s/he does show the correct behavior, be sure to notice and reward it.  This approach will help to create the reflective and well-mannered child you hope to see.
 

 For more information
 Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (1982). How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk. New York: Harper Collins Publishing.
 Dr. Mac’s Amazing Behavior Management Advice Site.  http://www.BehaviorAdvisor.com
 
 
 
Author Biography
Tom McIntyre is the developer of www.BehaviorAdvisor.com, a web site offering guidance in the management of kid’s behavior.  He is also the author of The Behavior Survival Guide for Kids: How to Make Good Choices and Stay Out of Trouble (Free Spirit Press).

6/22/06 Tom McIntyre at www.BehaviorAdvisor.com