Is Your Praise Praiseworthy?

Excerpts from the upcoming 2nd app in the Positive Parenting Practices series (Praise Chapter)

 It's one of the things that we behavior management guides tell parents to do. It’s something that all parents-to-be imagine themselves doing proficiently.  It’s something that is essential for drawing the best behavior from our children, and maintaining positive interpersonal bonds with them… Praising kids for doing the right thing.

It’s also something that often fails miserably. A large percentage of praise that is given profusely by well-meaning elders is ineffective or even counterproductive. But why?

On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve had guardians tell me “I don’t believe in praise.” Knowing what we know now about the effects of well-formulated praise, that’s like falling off a cliff and saying that you don’t believe in gravity!  I’m guessing that in their minds they’re thinking “We’re born with only so many nice things to say in us, and I’m not using ‘em up too early.”  When I inquire as to how they reached their conclusions, many of these self-proclaimed „no-nonsense’ parents insist that “I tried it & it didn’t work.” …And I’ve got to believe that for them, it didn’t. But why not?
 
Emerging research (Conduct an internet search for “Effects of praise”, but select the readings that apply to the home or classroom, unless you wish to read religious sermons) is revealing something interesting: Not all types of praise are equal in their positive impact. In fact, some types of praise actually reduce the chances of the recognized behavior happening again in the future!   Yes, Praise works… but only if we know how to give it in its correct forms.

Before we get into the evidence base, take a moment to consider the four different utterances you’re about to see on your screen.  All are attempts to praise.  According to the evidence, only one is an effective type. The other three will actually reduce the chances of your child displaying the desired behavior again in the future…

Praise that Backfires
Did you go to elementary school in the USA during the 1990‟s?  If so, quit bragging on yourself, because we’re going to bring you down a notch.  The belief in many professional circles back then was that if kids felt good about themselves, they would get along with others better and achieve highly. There might be something to that belief, but in practice, kids in many schools were told that they were special because they liked the color green, or enjoyed macaroni and cheese for lunch. This recognition of superficial and insignificant traits is not much on which to base one’s self esteem and self concept. Kids were also given lavish praise for non-demanding accomplishments…

– “Holy moly! Fantastic job of passing out papers!
– “Great Googily Moogily! That’s a spectacular job of hamster cage cleaning. You’re a super-duper pooper scooper!”

This sort of praise gives younger students incorrect perceptions of their performance. After about age 7 or 8, as their cognitive framework changes, they simply dismiss it as being insincere (a reflection of the person who said it).

When youngsters accomplish a non-challenging, non-academic task/duty of which they are quite capable, it is best recognized with? That’s right… “Thank you.” (If the contextual cues make the reason for the gratitude clear.) We could also offer an acknowledgement of what has been accomplished: “Your homework paper has the proper heading, and the penmanship shows the proper form.” Hmm… If we acknowledge good penmanship, should we also attend to good penwomanship? But, I digress… Let‟s move on.

During that last decade of the 20th century, it was also believed that if kids were told that they’re “smart”, they would feel that way about themselves, love learning, and achieve at a high level. In fact, research showed that doing so actually LOWERED achievement!

That outcome leads us to the next type of counter-productive praise: Labeling.
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Truth in Labeling
Carol Dweck is the name to use as a search term for this type of praise. She and her colleagues have investigated this sort of praise with a wide range of age groups, all with the same result: If you give a kid a label (“Smart”, “Good kid”, “Great artist”, etc.), it will actually create performance that is in opposition to that label. Huh? (“Eh?” for our Canadian listeners.)

Who wouldn‟t want to have these wonderful tags placed on them? What could be wrong with saying: “Good boy.” and “See? You’re a smart kid.”?

First of all, few kids (& adults… except for me and you) are fully “Good” & “Smart”. Realizing that they’re not deserving of the label, they chalk up your statement as being insincere, unknowing, or manipulative. We look bad if the youngster is thinking: “Mom/Dad, you’re not very ‘with-it’. I fed the spicy sausage to the dog.” (The one that is now furiously lapping up the water in his bowl.)

Summing Up
So, what are the “take aways” from this chapter?  When praising, remember to…
 Avoid giving labels.

 Use descriptive praise. Describe the actions that, as a parent, make you happy. Avoid saying “Good” or its vague & nebulous variations (“Nice job.” “Great.”) in isolation. Be specific.  Give details.  Elaborate on what you mean by “Good”.  Identify the action deserving of praise.

 Keep praise in the present. If you are also going to talk about what happened in the past, be sure that you only mention the positives.

 Praise effort.

 Praise progress.

 Say praise in a tone of voice that conveys sincere appreciation for the action.

There‟s more to come on this topic…

Tom McIntyre ......... www.BehaviorAdvisor.com