DEFIANCE!
I had difficulty locating the interview article on defiance, and in an attempt to reconstruct what was said, I expanded my cryptic notes that I wrote in preparation for the interview. The material may overlap somewhat with the interview article on defiance. (It's to be expected: I used to work for the Department of Redundancy Department!)
When does defiance emerge in child development?
Typically we see its emergence during the second and into the third years; what is commonly referred to as being the “Terrible 2’s”. This refusal behavior is to be expected for a couple of reasons:
What is normal?
Some refusal is developmentally appropriate. It’s to be expected. The child is showing emerging independence, and is testing the rules and limits in order to better understand how the world operates. It is by testing the limits that they find out what is valued, restricted, and allowable. On the other side of the pancake is the continued emphasis on “me, me, me” that is developmentally expected at pre-school ages.
Among older kids, opposition is a way of attempting to take over more aspects of one’s life. They sometimes believe that they have more ability than is actually present at that time. We see a bit of a return to what was seen at age 3… an “I want to do it myself.” orientation. Also, the increasing influence of the peer group draws some of the power of direction away from the elders.
What causes excess defiance in kids?
My next comments might appear to offer a “darned if you do & darned if you
don’t” choice. Defiance will surface when there is a lack of parental guidance… whether weak or laissez faire. Nature abhors a vacuum. If there is a lack of assertive guidance (Assertive does not mean aggressive or hostile), the child will assume the leadership role without the knowledge and skill to do so at a young age. Parental pleading and bargaining without the knowledge and skill to promote or reduce behaviors fails to guide the young learner. The old adage “Spare the rod; Spoil the child” applies here. However, it is important to remember how shepherds used their rods: They directed and sometimes prodded their sheep. They did not beat them with it.
That analysis of the Biblical teaching brings us to parents on the other end of the spectrum; those who bark orders and punish non-compliance in order to get obedience. They will tell others adamantly that “it works”… and it does!... Until about age 8 or 9. Yes, younger children can be overpowered, but as the child enters into a new stage of intellectual and emotional development, rebellion begins. Having experienced only coercive talk and actions in disagreement situations, they now copy that style.
The unswerving compliance that was required by the “do it darn it” parents, fails
to teach the child to think logically and reflectively. No moral code of conduct is imbedded by thoughtful, personal discussion. No inner control guided by ethical thought is nurtured. Barking orders and expecting blind compliance creates a menu of personality trait choices from which the child then selects:
-Failure to think for oneself & dependency on others for guidance.
-Blind obedience to those who give orders (even n’er-do-wells and people with bad intent such as drug dealers, child molesters, and errant religious cult leaders)
-Bossiness and an inability to interact prosocially with other kids during play dates, on the school yard, in social settings and when conflict situations arise. They use what they have experienced, emulating the parents’ style of handling situations.
How should parents deal with mild defiance?
Every situation should be viewed as a teaching opportunity. Disagreements with our children are to be expected. Hear the child out. Let them present their case while you help them to expand on it or see the flaws in their thinking by asking “innocent” questions (rather than dramatically refuting their points). Along with feeling like their viewpoint has been considered, kids who discover the errors in their thinking become more open to the views/guidance of their parents as they look for answers to befuddling situations. They realize that they were incorrect and seek a solution, instead of adopting the “set in stone”, fingers-in-ears response to your urgings.
Listening to kids shows that they have value and that their thoughts are valuable too. It encourages them to speak out in productive ways… ways that will benefit them in a variety of life situations. They believe that they have something to offer in thoughtful discussions, rather than feeling that they have nothing to contribute to group decision-making.
If parents must put the kabash on the youngster’s viewpoint, they can still offer a selection of action choices that are acceptable to them (the elders). Being able to select from options, even ones that they may not like, provides kids with a sense of power in a situation. Forcing a way of behaving upon a disgruntled child results in a greater likelihood of negative responses from him/her in future encounters. Offering choices gives “power” (within limits set by the adult). Parents might allow the child to: Choose between two or three outfits of clothing laid out on the bed; select the order in which they will do the homework; or choose whether to clean up bedroom or living room first; etc.
How should parents deal with extreme defiance?
1. With youngsters who have developed a behavior pattern of opposition, it is especially important to avoid barking orders and arguing over demands. This approach created the defiant child in the first place, and is now impotent. It no longer “works”. The offering of choices becomes even more important with persistently defiant kids. It gives them the sense of power they desire (in ways that eliminate bad choices), and helps to reconnect the parent-child bond by reducing arguments and finding common ground.
2. Consider this behavioral truth: It is difficult to be oppositional if no direction is given. Parents can build self-recognition of problem, and promote the solving of it by asking “What should you be doing right now?” “How do we walk down the stairs?” and “What needs to be done right now to earn the computer time you want?” Spur the child to think about what needs to be accomplished. This approach builds a thinker (not a stinker) who sizes up situations and makes good choices. It promotes inner control of behavior so that we can reduce our outer control.
3. Make rewards contingent upon appropriate behavior, but while using encouraging (“I know you’ll do it.”) language (“I’ll get the frozen yogurt ready while you finish putting the toys away”). No reward is delivered until the task is completed to the parent’s satisfaction. No task completion? Say “It will be here when you finish your task.” Or use the phrasing found in #2 above.
4. If you must give a direction:
a. Offer a reason as to why it should be followed (other than “or you’ll get a penalty”): “The trash needs to be taken outside so it doesn’t stink up our house.” (Notice that the word “You” was avoided, and “our” was used… More on the reasoning behind this phrasing at: www.BehaviorAdvisor.com, click on the button for “intervention strategies”, and sign up for the B-list. Then select the page titled: “Phrasing comments to enhance chances of compliant & build self-discipline in kids (and us)”, and in Dr. Mac’s second app on “Positive Parenting Practices”.
b. Watch the wording of the suggestions/directions: Avoid the words “no”, “don’t”, and “why”. Be sure to use “I messages”. (More on what all this means at the web page mentioned in #4a above.)
c. Be sure to tell the child what to do, instead of what NOT to do. “We need to use a softer voice.” Instead of “Stop yelling!” (or follow these blunders with a statement of what you want the child to do).
d. Give acknowledgement of any effort put forth toward what was directed. Recognize what done to satisfaction, and ask what should be done next.
5. Conduct a Functional Behavior Assessment (a process for determining the reason behind the behavior) by using an A-B-C analysis. This procedure is described in depth at the page mentioned in 4a (above), and on Dr. Mac’s 1st Positive Parenting app.
How should parents deal with reports of their kids being defiant at daycare,
preschool, or school?
It’s important to consider the validity of what is said by the professionals. Educators and daycare workers truly want to say nice things about kids to their parents. They try many things to improve behavior in their setting, and hope to avoid having to discuss an inappropriate action pattern with parents. However, at some point, they may feel the need to ask parents to join the behavior change team. Do brainstorm with teachers to devise solutions to help your child make good behavior choices. Remember that we teach behavior, just like we teach pre-academics and academics.
Does defiance early in life predispose kids to behavior concerns later on?
Out-of-the-ordinary defiance does indeed place a child at risk for future concerns and negative life outcomes. Persistent and frequent defiance is a risk factor signal, telling us to act now, not sometime in the future. Kids are malleable early, and less so later (when more intensive interventions are required to “turn things around”). Talk with parents and pediatricians about the behavior patterns you are seeing.
Knowing what brings about or reduces defiance involves using complex equations that are different for each youngster. This document represents only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding and addressing defiance, rebellion, and insubordination. More information on oppositional behavior can be found inside the www.behavioradvisor.com homepage button titled “Intervention Strategies”. Once signing up for the “B-List”, you’ll be whisked to the intervention page. Scroll down to “Defiance”.
Tom McIntyre
DoctorMac@BehaviorAdvisor.com
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