PBIS tiers addressed by this approach: All 3 tiers.
Giving Criticism that Helps, Not Hurts
This 2- part page contains material that was sent in postings to "The B-List" by Dr. Mac.
“A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
PBIS tiers addressed by this approach: All 3 tiers.
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Should we criticize criticism?
It’s something that we all dislike, but we all do it. No, I’m not talking about booger picking. (And don’t deny doing it!) I’m talking about criticism. In the previous two informational e-mails, we addressed praise. Now it’s time to take a peek at the other side of the pancake: Fault finding.
This mailing is the first of a two-part piece on criticism: Why it doesn’t work well in its commonly phrased ways; and how to offer it in a manner that supports, guides, encourages, and motivates.
After the “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom” media hype in mid-to-late January (2011), one might think that the best way to motivate kids to high achievement is to give ‘em a slap and call 'em “stupid". Amy Chua's “Battle Cry” is found in her book quote: "the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child." This approach is NOT the way to raise an inner-managed, emotionally healthy child. To accentuate this point, read the article by Lac Su at CNN.com (reference below),and consider that most of the criticism of Chua’s ways came from people of East Asian heritage who found Chua’s descriptions and urgings to be insulting and promoting negative stereotypes.
Chua’s “Tiger mom” parenting works best in homogeneous, rank-ordered societies, and has proven over the centuries to be quite effective in creating obedience, and somewhat effective in promoting high achievement (except in the 95% of east Asian kids who don’t rise to the top) . Blind obedience is less desirable in heterogeneous, democratic societies where EQ (“Emotional Quotient”: The ability to relate well with others… something that requires play dates and contact with others of all ages, give and take, experimentation, etc.) has been shown to be more important in career advancement than IQ. Note that Chua’s examples of success due to her style of parenting are careers that do not require heavy personal interaction: Sciences, Math, and Music.
Be aware that I have great respect for the traditional East Asian cultural markers. I adore the immigrant from China to whom I am married, promote the language and ways of that culture in our children, and socialize with individuals who also immigrated from that part of the world. These other parents tend to keep their valued ways, but see the need to modify them for the world in which their children are growing up. They, like I, view good parenting as thoughtful, supportive mentorship from the captain of the houseboat. Unlike Ms. Chua, they do not view parenting as a martial art with a child’s spirit as an enemy to be defeated. There is no doubt that watchful and dedicated parenting that requires full focus and effort in one’s child does boosts achievement, but the Tiger mother way is a slow and often hurtful way to reach the goal.
It is fully understandable that parents most often use the style of parenting that they experienced as kids. All cultures tend to do so. It is what they know. However, it is our parental obligation to our children (and our children’s children) to constantly be on the look-out for better ways to lead them to a bright future. That goal can now be reached more quickly, with less exhaustion and harm, by parenting smarter, not harder. The research is too massive to cite here, but search for scholary articles on “motivation and achievement.” (I’ll review a few of them in part two of this document.) Knowing what we know now about childraising practices, it is time to advance to a more savvy, effective, and time/effort saving manner of helping our youngsters reach the pinnacle.
The goal of high achievement can be accomplished more quickly and with less emotional harm with positive parenting practices. I’m certainly not talking about the wimpy, laizzai faire ones that Ms Chua rightfully chastises (in her Tiger Mom manner). But she writes her book and article from an uninformed, ethnic-centered base. She has not studied parenting, psychology, or behavior. She is a law professor! She, like the overly-directive, well-intentioned, but highly misdirected “Super Nanny” lacks the credentials to be promoting their ways… ways that are frequently ineffective, counterproductive, or damaging to the psyche. They have good intentions, but are devoid of the knowledge and skill to be promoting their ways of raising kids as truly effective and fully beneficial. They both offer a way to raise good kids that sometimes results in what they view as “success”, but we can now do it more intelligently and with fewer failures (we only hear of the “successes”) . I hereby publicly challenge both of them to a civil, respectful debate (I don’t want to be slapped or sent to the “naughty chair”). I’d like to ask Ms. Chua who collects the garbage, drives the taxis, and washes dishes in restaurants in her native China. I’d like to ask Super Nanny why she promotes her ways as successful when the kids with whom she works dislike her so much.
They would probably call me “soft on misbehavior”, but one is not “soft” when one is using informed and effective parenting practices. In my field (emotional/behavioral disorders and mental health concerns), I have seen the effects of parenting that “lets them know who’s boss”. One is not “soft” on discipline when one is smart on child management. One can show love, concern, and caring in ways that make him/her the wise elder and mentor-parent… Someone who is sought out for advice even during the often rebellious, peer-centered teen years.
My study and experiences (and my parents’ non-violent guidance) motivated me to create my Positive Parenting Practices app that instructs child guardians in positive, respectful, loving ways that are assertive, not wimpy. Tiger mom was correct that a style she refers to as “western” often fails to create high-achieving kids with inner management of behavior. I too rail against that uninformed style of childrearing, just like I am against her style of uninformed, over-controlling, sometimes abusive and hurtful parenting.
The research-based practices in the Positive Parenting Practices app also guide kids toward doing the correct thing, not because someone in more authority directed them to do so (although it is often important to acknowledge the authority of others), but because it was the right thing to do. These methods give kids an internal moral compass, and tools to reach their social, academic, and career destinations. These kids will have the ability to connect with positive elders to serve as their mentors. They behave appropriately, not out of fear of “losing face” and shaming the family, but because they have inner control, reflective thought, and want to make their families proud.
*Excerpts from Dr. Mac's next app on Positive Parenting Practices can be found at: http://behavioradvisor.com/ParentIndex.html
In a few days, you'll receive part two of this article on criticism. There, we’ll get into the “nuts and bolts”… the “how to” of giving praise that increases the likelihood of a kid thinking “Gee you’re right, wise elder. I’ll do it differently”
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.” Abraham Lincoln (16th President of the United States)
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References
Wall Street Journal article "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," (January 8, 2011; Life & Culture),
Link: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html
& “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”, Penguin Press, 2011.
Lac Su, 'Tiger Mothers' leave lifelong scars Special to CNN , January 20, 2011, http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/01/20/lac.su.tiger.mother.scars/index.html?hpt=C1
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain… and most fools do.”Benjamin Franklin
“Children need models rather than critics.”Joseph Joubert (French Essayist & moralist)
Here’s your task, B-listers. Right now, make lists of words that rhyme with each of these colors:
Orange
Purple
Silver
Now as you search through your mental roladex for some same-sounding words, imagine me stooping over you and barking chastising comments like. “C’mon, you’re an adult. What’s taking you so long? Do I have to put you back in pre-school? Let’s go! Even my 6 year old knows that ‘Door hinge’ rhymes with Orange. Get your head on straight…. Not later, NOW! Geesh! I’ve seen faster moves from a three-legged turtle with a hernia!”,ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
You knew of the impossibility of the task (Didn’t you?)… There are no words in the English language that rhyme with these colors (I’m thinking of writing about some intervention and calling it “wurple” as a kind gesture to poets and song composers).
You were far removed from me (and the stinky breath that my kids complain about when I eat Asiago cheese) and probably not the least bit anxious during the activity. But now imagine yourself back in your 5th, 9th, or 14th year on this granite planet, hearing those criticisms from someone who commanded the home or classroom environment. Some pretty powerful hurt, huh? (“Eh?”, for my non-American friends and colleagues)
“To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” Elbert Hubbard (Publisher & writer 1856-1915)
Back-in-the-day, this grey-beard was the teacher who received the kids who had self-esteem issues, and self-images of being “dumb” or “a loser”. These kids had been pummeled with criticism from important adults in their lives… unfavorable judgment that was devoid of a supportive or instructional follow-up. It was my job to pick up the emotional pieces and put them back together in the form of a kid who would at least put forth a feeble effort to accomplish a challenge, however small, on the way to becoming a self-motivated learner, or inner-managed, well-behaved individual.
I had colleagues in the school (and even in the special programs for these beaten-down kids) who would persistently find fault with these fragile kids. They were "easy pickins" for someone in a bad mood or suffering themselves from self-esteem issues. “Catch em being good?” they’d say, “They’re supposed to come to me being good!” was the mantra they chanted.
So, my question to you is: Why not:
– Keep it real / Tell it like it is / Tell it to ‘em straight / Draw the line
– Set limits / Pull in the reins / Put ‘em on a leash
– Let ‘em know it’s not OK to do in my class
– Point out where they’re falling short
– Let ‘em know who’s boss here
- Put ‘em in their place ?
"I tells it like it is.”
The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves
From my doctoral study days, I remember reading some research on criticism that most certainly violated youngsters' dignity before the time when human rights protections were required by universities and grant funding agencies. Small groups of older adolescents were brought into a room. One of them was selected for public shaming. I think that I recollect that the researchers went over to where the target victim was writing away on an essay and sharply sniped: “What is this? You have the nerve to write such literary pablum? You’re a teenager! Write like one.”
A day or two after the chastisement sessions, the groups were brought back for another writing session. 1 in 10 of the insulted teens performed at the same level or better. (These are the ones that Amy Chua, the Tiger Mom, and other “get tough” adults display as their success stories) 9 of 10 performed worse than previously (The usual outcome from criticism),and
- Nearly every one of verbally victimized kids reported one or more of the following:
- Feeling bad about oneself. (“I can’t do anything right.” “I’m stupid.”)
- Resentment toward the treatment they received.
- Dislike for the person who criticized them.
No surprises here (except that the kids would consent to going back into that room a second time).
In another study (reported in the Marshall Memo in Summer 2007), a teacher in a “good classroom” no longer praised students for being “on task” or “working”. Instead, she was directed by the researchers to chastise students for being “off task”. The result?
The off task behavior of observed students actually increased about 300%!
The researchers then directed the teacher to increase her criticism from an average of 5 times per minute to 16. Off task behavior of observed students increased from about 30% to over 50% of the time.
"We have met the enemy, and it is us." Pogo
Why did these results occur? More importantly, what was that teacher thinking when she agreed to engage in this research?! Anyway, why did the harsh (and then harsher) response to the undesired action result in more of it? Essentially, when we give attention to an action, we risk creating more of it. With regard to the criticism for being off-task, here are the culprits:
a. Criticism gives attention to the negative behaviour. (My attempt to acknowledge that the vast majority of the English-speaking world spells the word this way.)
b. Punitive phrasing draws the focus of other kids who are curious as to what is going on, and attunes them to negative role models.
c. When the formerly focused students are drawn off task, they are set up to receive criticism.
d. Chastisement offers no direction as to what behavior should be demonstrated in its place.
e. The expectations for student behaviour are presented by the teacher...this is what students in my classroom do.
f. As an extension of d, the “culture of the classroom” is identified as one in which learners don’t do what they are asked to do.
“I once thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.”Dr. Mac
. Epilogue The children's chant of "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." is said as a face-saving to hurtful comments, but it is merely smoke and mirrors. Those words did and do hurt. The injury is slower to heal than physical ones, and may not heal as well. Kids make mistakes. It’s the nature of growing up... new experiences without skills to handle them well, forgetting, distraction, etc. Additionallly, our junior citizens are trying to figure out the world. They’re looking for what works. They’re pushing against the gate to find out if it’s OK to venture out of the corral. In the words of Teddy Roosevelt: “The only man who makes no mistakes is the man who never does anything.” We adhere to a personal and professional system of checks and balances before we criticize students. We need to ask ourselves: “What is the aim of my criticism and will the phrasing result in the student walking away feeling supported and more capable in progressing forward?” Effective criticism, that which changes behavior for the better, isn’t about reprimanding a wrong. Rather, it is about encouraging a right.
So What Should We Do Instead?
Is it possible to point out shortcomings in a manner that makes kids t hink: “Gee, you’ve made a good point. I’ll try to change things for the better.”? YES! It is possible. Here are some tips for promoting that motivation to improve (academically or behaviorally):
1. Let them know that the action is undesirable (with an explanation if the youngster isn’t quite sure why), AS LONG AS you follow up by telling them what to do (In language that describes the actual actions that they should be displaying).
2. Remember the perils of praise articles, and the admonition to avoid giving labels? (If not, see the web page on praise at: www.BehaviorAdvisor.com/Praise.html & http://behavioradvisor.com/PraiseResistantKids.html) As with labeling praise (“You’re smart.” “You’re a good kid.”), we avoid (at all costs) the even worse type of labeling: Insinuating that the youngster is not worthy with stamps like “dummy”, “bad”, and “rude”.
3. Label the behavior, not the kid. Imagine a young child, trying out different approaches to handling situations, getting called “rude” (instead of hearing that the exhibited action was rude). The young one thinks “Gee. Someone more knowledgeable about the world than me, and in whose charge I’ve been placed, tells me that I am something called ‘rude’.” S/he doesn’t know what the term means, but files it away for future reference. Then one day s/he witnesses another kids being called rude. S/he thinks: “Hey! I saw what that rude kid did. I’m a rude kid, so that’s what I ought to be doing.” What do rude people do? Rude things! Don’t promote the behavior that you dislike.
Label the behavior, not the youngster. Reject the behavior, not the child.4. Tell the young one what s/he SHOULD do, and have him/her practice it right then and there. Upon the display of appropriate behavior, offer specific (NOT labeling) praise.
5. Make use of “Criticism Sandwiches”. These “C – Sandwiches” are emotional health food, and a great way to offer “constructive criticism” in a way that really does construct, or build, new and better behavior. We make sure to place our filling of suggestions for improvement between two slices of compliments. We start out on a positive note in order to “open up” the youngster’s ears and mind, and create receptivity for our commentary. After creating the emotional trust connection with an initial comment of sincere recognition (we might have to look hard for that silver lining in the dark behavioural cloud),we suggest ways in which the student can improve his or her performance. We then end on a note of specific praise or encouragement.
Here are some examples:
a. Kneeling down & facing the student, the adult quietly says: “Fran, during the first 10 minutes, you were focused like a laser. I see how it shows here in the quality of your work. Understand that it’s certainly alright to take short brain breaks, but we need to bring our eyes & pencils back to our papers after that cognitive cleansing. Given what I’m seeing here, I’m looking forward to reading what you’re going to write next.” (The teacher pats the student on shoulder as s/he moves away.)
b. This one is from my experience: “Luis, I appreciate your help in keeping Rodney on task. However, prodding someone to finish so that you can copy his answers deprives you of true learning. From now on, I look forward to seeing you working hard on your own assignment in-between the reminders to Rod. Comprende’?”“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.” Frank A. Clark
We can better assure that our suggestions for improvement are heard if we place them between two statements that focus on progress or what was done correctly. We want to verbally feed our charges healthy brain food.
Alrighty, then… Take a look at the choices below. Can you identify the properly phrased “Criticism Sandwich”?
1. “You can be proud of remembering to capitalize the first word of each sentence, even though you forgot to use any punctuation. So what do we need to remember? Right. Don’t leave out those commas, periods, and question marks in the next draft.”
2. “You’ve added many more adjectives, creating a more interesting piece for the reader. Now let’s focus on adding more adverbs in the last rewrite. You’re really getting the hang of adding details, and I’m anxious to read a final draft with even more detail.”
3. Both of the above items are good examples.
“If you see an adjective, kill it.” (Mark Twain)
How’d you do? The correct answer is #2. Why? Yep, it avoided pointing out what was done wrong (“forgot”). In #2, we told the child what to do, instead of what not to do. So avoid words like “No”, “Don’t”, “Wrong”, etc.. They provide no guidance to the young one regarding what to do. (More on these "words to avoid" in a future mailing.)
Criticism: Better digested when placed between two compliments.
Got it? Great! Now think of a recent event when you gave (or avoided giving) criticism. If you could go back to that time, how would you have phrased the “sandwich”?
“Criticism is the disapproval of people, not for having faults, but having faults different from our own.”(unknown)
What can we teach our future authority figures about responding to harsh criticism when they will run across adults and current authority figures who are less understanding and professional than you? How do we prepare them for these incidents?
1. Through conversations and practice sessions, we can help them understand that the person uttering the criticism is probably frustrated or disappointed, but lacks the emotional tools to handle the situation well.
2. We help them to analyze the situation (Were you doing what you were expected to do? Were you doing your best? What events preceded the criticism? What is your long term relationship with this person? What have you or others done before that worked well in defusing these situations? Which past responses have escalated the situations and engaged the conflict cycle?)
3. We train our charges to look behind the curtain of criticism for the improvement message that is being presented (e.g., “Get back to work.”, “Use the skills you were taught to apply in this situation.”, etc.).
4. For situations in which the student bears fault, we teach them to say “I will try harder.” (and then reapply themselves).
5. For situations in which putting forth more effort would not result in success due to lack of skill or knowledge, we teach them to say: “Please tell me, step by step, what to you would like me to do. Then I’ll give it a try.”
6. For situations in which the authority figure is emotionally contaged, and uttering hurtful commentary, we teach them to ignore it, and think positive things about themselves in order to counter the negative input. In the words of Marcus Aurelius: “Nothing that goes on in anyone else's mind can harm you.” While I disagree somewhat with Mr. Aurelius, believing that words can be hurtful projectiles. We must teach our pupils to shield against the criticism cooties.“When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person;
it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” (unknown)
As an endnote to this time together, consider this question: When we criticize, what does it say about us? Let’s be sure that it speaks volumes regarding our professionalism and compassion.The volumes of material at www.BehaviorAdvisor.com are designed to help us answer this question with a strong affirmative voice: Would I want to be a student in my own classroom?
“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you...” William Arthur Ward
Visit the parenting resources inside BehaviorAdvisor.com
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"He only profits from praise who values criticism." Heinrich HeineFormer post links:
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How to phrase praise, criticism, & directions to enhance the chances of compliance & cooperation!
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Author: Tom McIntyre, www.BehaviorAdvisor.com
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